Honest Words

A few months ago I was plowing through audiobooks like crazy during my hour+ commutes to and from work. I wandered a bit from my usual fictional fantasy genre choice and explored the nonfiction section of my local library phone app. Without meaning to I came upon Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos and embarked on a “read” that was akin to long chats with a good friend that simply gets it.

2013-04-03-instantmomThe book is autobiographical in nature and briefly highlights Nia Vardalos’ rise to success with writing and starring in My Big Fat Greek Wedding as well as her subsequent projects. This storyline is told in conjunction with her struggle with infertility and her road to discovering foster care adoption. She is candid about her experience with being matched with and adopting her two year old daughter from the foster care system.

More than once while listening to Instant Mom I caught myself nodding along and proclaiming, “Yes!” Nia explains it herself in the beginning of the book, being a private person made writing and publishing such a personal and honest account of her experiences extremely difficult but she saw the value and need for positive press for foster care adoption. The tricky part of listening to audiobooks is that I couldn’t easily dog-ear a page or reach for my highlighter when encountering passages I wanted to hang on to, so as soon as I finished listening I bought a copy and began to reread to find the gems that made me want to shout, “She gets it!” So without further commentary here are a few of those prize nuggets from Instant Mom that resonated with me.

“I was surrounded by positive stories of adoption, but of course the scary ones kept me up at night. And the media did a good job of it too. It’s just human nature to pick up on the things that cause us anxiety. I could hear a hundred fantastic adoption stories in a row and then be stopped in my tracks by one negative one. There was always some story of some drifter who’d decapitated a store clerk because he’d once been adopted. Or wasn’t adopted. Or something. Googling ‘adoption’ took me to strange places. It was all a late-night Internet search haze.”

“We were at the swing set at a park and he’d heard from a mutual friend that Ilaria was adopted from foster care. He asked, right in front of my daughter, ‘Aren’t you afraid she’s damaged?’ Truthfully, this man’s only crime was saying such a dumb thing within my daughter’s hearing range. I actually don’t judge the question because I myself once had these same prejudices about kids adopted from foster care. I worried they’d been through so much that they might not be affectionate or would have trouble bonding or would be violent. It’s ironic that we’d all be more likely to bring a stray dog into our homes than a child. A stray dog has fangs and can eat our faces as we sleep. An innocent child just needs love. I’ve done adoption fund raisers and have met children from abusive backgrounds who were raised in loving foster homes–the kids are doing just fine. They’re well adjusted and doing average things like you and me–graduating from college, getting married, holding down jobs. Many of them become social workers and help kids much like themselves because they were raised by kind foster parents who treated them with the respect and kindness all children deserve. Sure, many kids live in not-great conditions in foster care and group homes. But I’ve met inspiring families: parents who adopted kids from terrible backgrounds. The kids then become happy, well adjusted and do well. Loving kids, providing them with comfort and safety, is what it takes. Plus a lot of patience. And so many people do it. So many adults have changed kids’ lives. You will rarely hear these stories portrayed in the media. But I have met them at the many adoption fundraisers I get to be a part of now. I have met adults who were willing to get into these kids’ lives and let them know they’re loved. They’re the most valiant people I’ve ever met. To be honest, they’re also quite average. They’re not superhuman. They’re just people who stepped up and said to a kid: hey, you deserve better. So no, the kids are not damaged goods. They’re just kids looking for guidance and love–like all of us.”

“Most of us have been around kids from many varied backgrounds. We’ve seen that ten-year-old boy who stomps toys into pulp. We’ve met that six-year-old girl who eats snot. We’ve known that fourteen-year-old girl who entertained the football team behind the bleachers. Were any of those kids adopted? No, they’re being raised by their biological parents.”

“Additionally, I see now in preschool all the kids are going through something, from hitting to learning disorders to anger issues, to shyness to crying fits to over-assertiveness . . . because kids are kids.”

“Yep, we’re all kind of strange. Can any of us really be defined as normal? Nope. Therefore, I’m not afraid my daughter will display issues because she is adopted. She may have issues, sure. Just like any kid. Just like I did. Just like you did. Uh-huh–yes, you did. And so did I.”

“The fear of the unknown can be a powerful deterrent from anyone adopting. Again, I am not suggesting parenthood is for everyone, so if you feel it’s not for you, I agree your life will also be wonderful without kids. But if fear is stopping you, please don’t let it. I’m wondering why as a society some of us are afraid of what an adopted child might do to us, when it was the Menendez brothers who shot and killed their biological parents. No adopted. Shot their parents while they slept. Shot them. Sleep tight, everyone.”

“A bonus in raising a child you don’t have a biological tie to is you will never saddle them with watching their every move and declaring they musical talent as ‘that’s from your dad’s side; his old Auntie Beulah played pianola.’ Or their bad penmanship as ‘well, there’s Grandpa Frank’s meat paws once again.’ Also, when someone says, ‘Your daughter is beautiful,’ you don’t have to murmur modestly. You can just boomingly and boisterously concur at the gorgeousness that is your kid and even point out her perfect bow mouth and tiny fairy ears, ’til that person backs away slowly. The benefit in raising the child you got to adopt is you just get to watch them unfold and become who they are.”

Through honestly and humor Nia tells it like it is. Her book is candid and refreshing and I highly recommend it to anyone thinking of stepping into foster care, is already involved in the foster care world, or knows and cares about someone that is fostering.

On the home front, we don’t have much to report. Last week, my first of summer break (yay!), I emailed our new licensing rep (#3) at our new agency because it had been weeks since I’d heard from her. She confirmed that she has received our information and wants to meet with us next week. Why, oh why, is it so difficult to give us more than a few words worth of  a response? Do we have to redo our home study? Where in the process are we right now? Time will tell.

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Home Sweet Home

I think I’m nesting.

It’s summer break and for the last few months I was so looking forward to being able to blog more, read a few good books, work on various other frivolous hobbies of mine, instead I’m in super-speed HGTV style project mode. I spent the better part of last week working on a planter bed in our backyard. Never having much of a green thumb, it had gotten away from me. I identified plants, weeded, edged, planted new plants in bare spots, laid landscape fabric, mulched, AND I’ve been watering it nightly. I’m NEVER this on top of things! Yesterday I was overcome with the desire to redo our powder room. With stark white walls and basic builder grade fixtures, it was nothing spectacular. Just a little over 24 hours later, with $100 spent at Home Depot, it is now a delicious shade of purple with an amazing glossy on flat paint design as a focal wall, new towel/toilet paper holders, and a new light fixture. No more backstage Broadway make-up table bare bulbs lined up like soliders across the top of the mirror. Nope, we have brushed nickel and creamy frosted glass, and best of all I installed it and IT WORKED! My father, lifetime electrician, would be so proud even if I did reach around the corner from the hallway the first time I turned it on because I thought it might burst into flames. (The thought of having the fire extinguisher in hand when I turned it on for the first time did cross my mind!) I’ve barely slowed down and every morning I wake up with new aches and pains from the random around the house projects I’ve tackled each day. We haven’t pursued anything other than reading some books and online information for the THP, is it too soon to be nesting?

So I just did a quick Google search for “nesting” clipart that I could include in this post and something in my mind made me think of Horton. He’s Dr. Seuss’s version of an adoptive parent now isn’t he? Maybe he’s more of a surrogate. Either way we have a neglectful birth parent involved. For the life of me I can’t remember how the story ends (don’t tell my principal, I’m ashamed to admit that and call myself an elementary school teacher!) I may need to seek out a little Horton Hatches the Egg sometime soon!

I have been doing a bit more serious reading lately. Mr. Something and I just finished Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It by Dr. Ray Guarendi. For simply wandering into the parenting section of our local bookstore and trying to find an adoption book that applied to foster care adoption, we did well by our choice! The whole book is set up as questions and answers so it was super easy to focus on the sections that applied to us and skip over the ones that did not. The topics covered range from choosing adoption, children labeled with “special needs”, open or closed adoption, where to begin, to parenting an adopted child into adulthood. I would highly recommend this book. It was a wonderful first read into the world of foster care adoption, not too heavy but very informative. Guarendi approaches these difficult questions with an easy going wit and down to earth sensibilities. More than once we found ourselves smiling and nodding along to his advice. There were days over the last few months when a new issue about pursing adoption would come to mind and sure enough we’d turn a few pages and Dr. Ray would be speaking on that very topic, quelling our fears. Moving forward, I know we will be sure to revisit Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It as our journey matures through the next steps. In the meantime I’ll be thinking about painting the living room and perhaps adding some shelves to the dinning room…